Prologue to The Book of Revelation

Today in the mail I discovered a large glossy brochure that was advertising these events in Boulder.  The front cover is a collage containing what I’m guessing is the Romans fighting along side what looks like if you crossed Jason with the killer from Scream, with Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s spiky metallic gloves.  There is also a white man’s face (that almost resembles Mel Gibson) with a bright yellow “666” across his forehead.

The brochure is an advertisement/invitation to 6-night seminar series called “Unlocking Revelation.” There is a list what you get free if you attend the seminar:

  • King James Bible
  • Study Guides
  • Children’s Program
  • Gifts
  • Books
  • Parking

I’m thinking of going to the first seminar on Saturday night, entitled “The Coming New World Order.” The background of the ad for this night shows a raging structural fire, a man in a gas mask, the Statue of Liberty, two men standing on a tank, silhouetted by a distant cosmic explosion of white (phosphorous?), and a Lincoln Towncar covered with cinder blocks.  It looks like every backyard in my hometown.

The lecture schedule:

  • Saturday: “The Coming New World Order”
  • Sunday: “The Antichrist Revealed, Part 1”
  • Monday: “The Antichrist Revealed, Part 2”
  • Tuesday: “The Time of the End”
  • Thursday: “The Devil’s Greatest Deception, Part 1”
  • Friday: “The Devil’s Greatest Deception, Part 2”

Future Topics Include:

  • The Bible Truth About Seances and Ghosts
  • The Mark of the Beast
  • The Millenium (didn’t that happen 9/8 years ago?)

I really want to go to one of these and insist on attending the children’s program.

Anyways, all this talk of Revelation reminded me of the fact that I’ve never actually read the Book of Revelations (or, The Revelation to John, apparently, which makes it sound even more like a bad acid trip).  I picked up my trusty Bible from the bookshelf (in the fiction section, as a private joke just for me).

I haven’t even gotten past the first three paragraphs of the introduction/disclaimer.

The Apocalypse, or Revelation to John, the last book of the Bible, is one of the most difficult to understand because it abounds in unfamiliar and extravagant symbolism, which at best appears unusual to the modern reader.

… and the rest of the Bible (especially the early Old Testment) doesn’t “abound in extravagant symbolism?!”

Symbolic language, however, is one of the chief characteristics of apocalyptic literature, of which this book is an outstanding example.  Such literature enjoyed wide popularity in both Jewish and Christian circles from ca. 200 B.C. to A.D. 200.

Does this mean that future generations are going to worship the books of the Left Behind series or Jerry Bruckheimer-produced movies?  Churches will be adorned with statues of a man weirdly resembling Vin Diesel dangling from an crumbling belfry, hung by a rope made of the ancient scrolls of some evil sect, wearing that damn Mickey Mouse watch.

Whether or not these visions were real experiences of the author or simply literary conventions employed by him is an open question.

Is there really an ongoing academic debate about whether or not Revelations is real or not?

One would find it difficult and repulsive to visualize a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes…

… but a boat that holds two of every species of animal ever made living in harmony with no food or water while not eating each other? I guess that is simple and the-opposite-of-repulsive.

…yet Jesus Christ is described in precisely such words.

I hadn’t realized they hired Tim Burton to punch-up the Bible.

Finally the vindictive language in the book is also to be understood symbolically and not literally.  The cries for vengeance on the lips of Christian martyrs that sound so harsh are in fact literary devices the author employed to evoke in the reader and hearer a feeling of horror for apostasy and rebellion that will be severely punished by God.

So the jury’s still out on whether or not this stuff actually happened or was just some asshole’s crazy nightmare, but all of a sudden you can speak with confidence on the author’s true intent?

OK time to read the actual book.